The Big City Bob Songs

Collection Contents

#		Title	Length
1		BIG BOOBS (Jaeger-Rivers) 4:10	4:10	Play
2		LITTLE MORE POLKA (Jaeger-Rivers) 2:52	2:52	Play
3		TRAILOR BY DA BAY 3:46	3:46	Play
4		FUZZY BALLS 2:35	2:36	Play
5		NEEDLE IN THE HAYSTACK 2:00	2:08	Play
6		MY MONEY 2:33	2:33	Play
7		LIVIN' IN THE COUNTRY SUCKS (Jaeger-Rivers) 2:44	2:44	Play
8		I JUST CAME IN HERE TO FOOL AROUND 3:25	3:25	Play
9		SON OF A BOY NAMED SUE 3:12	3:12	Play
10		NICOTINE WOMEN 2:33	2:33	Play
11		CAN'T EVEN STAND UP 2:40	2:38	Play
12		MERRY XMAS BAYBAYA (Jaeger-Rivers) 3:02	3:02	Play
13		A**HOLES 2:19	2:23	Play
14		WITCH ON A BROOM 3:19	3:18	Play
15		WHEN MY BABY TURNS OUT THE LIGHT 2:04	2:04	Play
16		BIG BIG WOMAN 2:32	2:32	Play

Items may be purchased individually.

Contributors

Details

Format

Royalties

See the payment distribution when this media is bought.

Bitmunk uses a micropayment system that is accurate to 7 monetary digits.
Mouse over an individual amount to see its exact value.

Description

All songs produced and performed by Bobby Rivers.
CD is factory pressed.
Cover design by Bobby Rivers and Quali T Inc.
Visit WWW.SHOPQT.COM for official Bobby Rivers clothing.
This page contains an album analysis and printable lyrics for individual song downloads, as well as the year each song was written.

Bobby Rivers fun facts:
Birthplace: Green Bay, WI
Birthdate: 03-11-67
Dimensions: 6-2, 200
Heritage: Belgian(DePrey-Peters)/Latin(Alicea-Rivera)
Religion: Christian
Politics: Democracy
Genre: Independent
Music goal: Originality
Favorite CDBABY song: "I Will Not Demand What I'm Worth" by The Method and Result (CD-'The Things You Miss').

ALBUM ANALYSIS:
THE BIG CITY BOB SONGS will always be one of the most bizarre and infectious original albums I have ever heard, having appeal across all demographics. The song writing is cleverly outrageous and just good fun.

HOW GOOD IS THIS CD? Here's a true story.
An 11 year old boy received a telephone call from his girlfriend saying she wanted to break up with him. He promptly went over to girls house and knocked on the door. When she opened the door, he said "All that stuff I brought over here and gave you, you can keep. I just want my Big City Bob Songs back."

"BIG BOOBS" has cult classic written all over it, about the 'better or worse' commitment. The song combines Latin, Polka, Pop, Rock and Country in a strange and sexy brew.

BIG BOOBS (Jaeger-Rivers) (1982)

WELL SHE LOOKS SO MEAN SHE COULD KILL,
AND WHEN SHE LOVES ME, SHE LOOKS LIKE DAT STILL.
SHE CAN'T EVEN COOK A MEAL,
BUT TO ME, IT'S NO BIG DEAL

'CUZ I LIKE HER BIG BOOBS AND HER LITTLE CHEEKY BUTT

WELL SHE NEVER TAKES A BATH,
AND IN PUBLIC, SHE SCRATCHES HER ASS.
HER BREATH SMELLS LIKE A PIG FARM BREEZE,
BUT HEY, IT'S ALRIGHT WITH ME.
-CHORUS-
WELL SHE CHEATS ON ME NOW AND THEN,
BUT THEY ALWAYS SEND HER BACK HOME AGAIN.
SHE'S HAVING KIDS ALL THE TIME,
AND ALL BUT FIVE ARE MINE!
-CHORUS-
WELL NOW WE'VE BOTH TURNED GRAY,
AND WE'RE WAY TOO OLD TO PLAY.
NOW WE'RE JUST HANGING AROUND,
WITH EVERYTHING FALLEN DOWN

NOW I LIKE HER BIG BOOBS,
AND HER BIG OLD SAGGY BUTT

BUT YEARS AGO, DON'T YOU KNOW
-CHORUS OUT-

"LITTLE MORE POLKA" makes you want to jump off your seat and stomp around. It is a stereotype number about a polka fan who just can't get enough of his music, or his wife, however you interpret it. It is also featured on the soundtrack album of the Gary Huckleberry comedy film "Truth Beauty" and is played during the office scene, 4/5 into the movie.

LITTLE MORE POLKA (Jaeger-Rivers) (1982)

I LOVE TO POLKA WIT HER, TO ME IT'S SHEER DELIGHT
IF I COULD HAVE IT MY WAY, WE'D POLKA EVERY NITE.
WE'D POLKA ON DA TABLE, WE'D POLKA ON DA FLOOR,
WE'D POLKA 'TIL DA MORNING,
DEN WE'D POLKA A LITTLE MORE

WE POLKA IN DA BAR ROOM, AND WHEN MY GIRL IS THROUGH,
SHE GIVES ME TO HER SISTER, AND I POLKA WIT HER TOO!
WE POLKA ON DA TABLES, WE POLKA ON DA FLOOR.
WE POLKA 'TIL DA MORNING,
DEN WE POLKA A LITTLE MORE

I POLKA WIT DA KITTY, AND DA PUPPIES TOO
I'M JUST A POLKA MONKEY IN DA POLKA ZOO
WE POLKA IN DA STABLES, WE POLKA ON DA FARM
WE POLKA IN DA MILKHOUSE
AND OUT BEHIND DA BARN

WE POLKA IN DA GARDEN, WE POLKA IN DA SHED.
WE POLKA IN MY MIND WHEN I LIE ASLEEP IN BED.
WE POLKA IN DA FRONT YARD, WE POLKA IN DA BACK.
WE'D POLKA IN A MANSION, BUT WE OWN A SHACK
OOOOWN A SHACK

WE POLKA IN DA KITCHEN, WE POLKA IN DA DEN.
WE POLKA TO DA BEDROOM, DEN WE POLKA DER AGAIN
WE POLKA ON DA MATTRESS WHEN OUR FEET GET SORE.
DARLING, I'M NOT TIRED,
SO LET'S POLKA A LITTLE MORE

"TRAILOR BY DA BAY" is a story song about a factory worker who moves his family and their mobile home into a very rich bayside subdivision. What a sitcom this would make! Funny!

TRAILOR BY DA BAY (R. Rivers) (1999)

SHE THINKS I AM THE DOCTOR WHEN HER SHOULDERS ARE SORE.
SHE TELLS ME I'M PATCH ADAMS, WHEN THE KIDS GET BORED.
SHE DON'T KNOW THE NEIGHBORS WOULD LIKE US TO MOVE AWAY.
SHE THINKS I'M SUCCESSFUL IN OUR TRAILER BY DA BAY.

ALL OUR NEIGHBORS GOT MANSIONS UP AND DOWN THE SHORES.
DOCTORS AND LAWYERS AND OWNERS, ALL TYPING ON THEIR BOARDS,
WHILE I WORK DOWN AT THE FACTORY, 14 HOURS A DAY,
TO HELP SUPPORT MY FAMILY IN OUR TRAILER BY DA BAY.

TWENTY YEARS AGO MY DADDY WILLED ME LAND ALONG THIS BAY.
SO I UP AND MOVED MY TRAILER RIGHT OUT OF DOWNTOWN GREEN BAY.
SINCE THEN 47 MANSIONS WENT UP ALONG ITS SHORES,
AND THE LAST TWO SOLD WERE ON EACH SIDE OF MY TRAILER, RIGHT NEXT DOOR.

ALL OUR NEIGHBORS GOT MONEY,
BUT THEY'RE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR MORE.
ONE'S WIFE LIVES AT THE SHOPPING MALL
WHILE HER HUSBAND SNEAKS NEXT DOOR.
WELL, MY WIFE LOVES ME LIKE A TIGER,
SHE GETS SO HORNY FOR ME EVERYDAY.
THAT'S WHY WE GOT 17 CHILDREN IN OUR TRAILER BY DA BAY

SOME OF MY NEIGHBORS GOT PROBLEMS ASSOCIATED WITH ME.
SOME OF THEM REALLY GET ANGRY WHEN I'M OUTSIDE GOIN' PEE.
A COUPLE OF 'EM PUT UP FENCES, AND SOME OF THEM MOVED AWAY,
CUZ THEY JUST CAN'T STAND-A-LOOKIN'
AT MY TRAILER BY DA BAY.

WELL NOW I LIVE IN THE SUBURBS WITH ALL THE COMMON FOLK.
AND ALL MY KIDS GO TO COLLEGE, AND NONE OF US ARE BROKE.
WELL I RETIRED FROM THE FACTORY, I GOT MONEY STASHED AWAY.
'CUZ THEY GAVE ME A MILLION DOLLARS
AND PUSHED MY TRAILER IN DA BAY.
THAT'S HOW I GOT SUCCESSFUL, THROUGH A TRAILER BY DA BAY.
AWWW YEAH, YOU GOT DAT RIGHT.

"FUZZY BALLS" must be considered the 'last rock and roll song' of the millennium. Written and recorded in December of 1999, it is ironically based on the same themes as the very first rock and roll songs, Jimmy Liggin's "Cadillac Boogie" (1947) and Ike Turner's "Rocket 88" (1951). It even sounds like Elvis singing, with Fats on the piano! A very clever tune!

FUZZY BALLS (R. Rivers) (1999)

I GOT A 55 CHEVY WITH AN
ALLIGATOR ON THE SIDE,
AND A DOZEN FUZZY BALLS
JUST A JUMPIN' IN THE DASHBOARD LIGHTS.
WELL THEY WIGGLE AND THEY JIGGLE
AS MY 455 IS REVVING.
AND, WHEN MY BABY COMES A RIDIN',
WELL IT'S JUST LIKE GOIN' TO HEAVEN

SHE LOVES IT WHEN WE'RE RIDING ALONG,
A SITTING REAL CLOSE TO MY ARM,
AND IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER
WHERE WE'RE GOING TO AT ALL.
SHE JUST TURNS MY RADIO ON,
AND STARTS PLAYING WITH MY FUZZY BALLS.

WELL, I'M A GREASY MONKEY
IN MY DADDY'S FIX-IT-SHOP ON BROADWAY.
I GOT A GREEN AND GOLD STICKER
ON THE BACK BUMPER OFF TO THE SIDE.
I BOUGHT A BAG OF FUZZY BALLS
IN THE TOY DEPT. DOWN AT KRESGE'S.
WELL, I HUNG 'EM ON STRINGS,
AND I TIED 'EM ALL AROUND IN MY RIDE.
-CHORUS TWICE AND TAG-

NEEDLE IN THE HAYSTACK (R. Rivers) (1994)

MAMA SAID, "THERE'S A LID FOR EVERY KETTLE."
I NEVER FOUND ONE THAT EVEN FIT A LITTLE.
I FELT LIKE A SHINER, HUNTING WITH A ONE EYED DOG.
WELL, AS SOON AS I QUIT LOOKING FOR A MEDAL,
DOWN FELL MY PRETTY ROSE PETAL.
IT TOOK SO LONG JUST TO SOLVE MY RIDDLE BUT

YOU WERE THE NEEDLE IN THE HAYSTACK.
HOW IN THE WORLD DID I FIND
SUCH A TREASURE (WOMAN) LIKE YOU?
YOU, YOU'RE THE NEEDLE IN THE HAYSTACK.
IT WAS WORTH ALL THE TROUBLE IN MY LIFE,
JUST TO FIND YOU.

YA BETCHA NOW THERE'S A KETTLE WITH A COVER.
I'LL NEVER HAVE A NEED TO FIND ANOTHER,
'CUZ THIS ONE'S COVERING ME
AS TIGHT AND WELL AS IT CAN BE.
WELL, AS SOON AS I QUIT LOOKING FOR A MEDAL,
THERE WAS MY PRETTY ROSE PETAL.
IT TOOK SO LONG JUST TO SOLVE MY RIDDLE BUT
-CHORUS-

"MY MONEY" is...well, I think if you play this one backwards, you'll get very rich and happy!

MY MONEY (Rivers) (1994)

I'M SELLING EVERYTHING I OWN
JUST TO GIVE HER MY MONEY.
CHEWING ON A RAWHIDE BONE
CUZ I GAVE HER MY MONEY.
I LEFT HER THE LIMITED BROUGHAM,
NOW I'M DRIVING THE CHEVY,
AND LIVING IN THE MEXICAN ZONE
AIN'T DA LAND OF PLENTY.

SHE'S GOT HER BOYFRIEND SHARING MY HOME.
HE AIN'T HELPING ME PAY THE LOAN.
AND THEY'RE HAVING A PARTY, WITH MY MONEY.

I'M WORKING TWO FULL TIME JOBS
JUST TO GIVER HER MY MONEY.
I SEE MY KIDS ONCE A MONTH
AND I GIVE THEM SOME MONEY.
I SLEEP AT NIGHT LIKE AN OWL
CUZ I GOT ME NO MONEY.
"LA BAMBA'S" POUNDING THROUGH MY WALLS
AND THEY THINK IT'S REALLY FUNNY.
-CHORUS TWICE-

"LIVING IN THE COUNTRY SUCKS" speaks volumes to those redneck country folks, but I think the city people are going to find this amusing too.

LIVING IN THE COUNTRY SUCKS (Jaeger-Rivers) (1982)

I WAS BORN IN A TWO ROOM SHACK IN MISSISSIPPI,
AND WE DIDN'T HAVE NO LUCK.
EVERYTHING WAS FALLING APART AND MY LIFE REALLY SUCKED.
SO I MARRIED THE GIRL DOWN THE ROAD, SHE WAS UGLY AS CAN BE,
AND I REALLY DIDN'T LIKE HER MUCH,
BUT SHE WAS ALWAYS GOOD IN DA HAY.

NOW LIVING IN THE COUNTRY SUCKS
CUZ THERE'S NO ACTION HERE.
ALL WE DO ON A FRIDAY NIGHT
IS DRINK A LOT OF CHEAP BEER.
THEN WE GO DOWN TO THE WATERING HOLE
AND SKINNY DIP ALL NIGHT.
THEN WE GO BACK TO THE BAR
AND START A BIG FIGHT.

LIVING IN THE COUNTRY SUCKS AND I HATE LIVING HERE.
BUT THERE'S ONE GOOD THING ABOUT IT,
THERE AIN'T TOO MANY OF DEM QUEERS.
-VERSE TWO-
-VERSE THREE-

"I JUST CAME IN HERE TO FOOL AROUND" finds a divorced couple meeting each other all over again at the local bar, with some quite interesting results!

I JUST CAME IN HERE TO FOOL AROUND (R. Rivers) (1996)

SHE'D BEEN THROUGH HELL AND BACK WITH A MAN LIKE ME.
LOOKING AT HER OVER THE BAR, WELL, IT WAS SO EASY TO SEE.
I ASKED HER IF SHE WANTED TO DANCE,
AND SHE SAID, "ALRIGHT."
I SAID, "YOU WANNA DO THE CHA-CHA?
IT'S A LONELY OLD NIGHT."

SHE SAID, "I AIN'T THINKIN' 'BOUT YOU AT ALL!
AND, I AIN'T GONNA FOLLOW YOU BACK HOME!
I NEVER REALLY WANTED TO WEAR YOUR WEDDING GOWN.
I JUST CAME IN HERE TO FOOL AROUND!"

SHE SAID, "OH WELL, I JUST KICKED OUT
A FRICKIN' LOSER LIKE YOU.
WHO'D LEAVE ME AT HOME WITH THE KIDS
AND NUTHIN' TO DO,WHILE YOU'RE OUT ALL NIGHT
CHASING WOMEN LIKE YOU'RE 17.
AND, COMIN' HOME DRUNK
LOOKIN' FOR A LITTLE SOMETHING FROM ME."
-CHORUS-

"SON OF A BOY NAMED SUE" is an original sequel song to Johnny Cash's top ten smash hit 'A Boy Named Sue', written by Shel Silverstein. This kid named Bill or George is twice as bad as the old man and winds up marrying, you guessed it, a girl named Sue! This is a great song, and the voice! I think he snuck Johnny Cash in the studio for this, or it's one dandy impersonation!

SON OF A BOY NAMED SUE (R. Rivers) (1999)
(based on the Shel Silverstein classic "A Boy Named Sue", made famous by Johnny Cash)

WELL, I WAS BORN ON A FRIDAY, JULY THE 13TH.
I HAD A FULL HEAD OF HAIR AND MY TWO FRONT TEETH,
AND I CAME OUT SCREAMING AND A KICKING
LIKE A BULL RUNNING WILD.

WELL THE DOCTOR GRABBED ME AND I BIT HIS HAND.
I WAS JUST OFFENDED 'CUZ I KNEW I COULD STAND.
AND, WHEN THE NURSE SLAPPED MY BOTTOM, WELL,
I JUST TURNED AROUND AND I SMILED. :-)

WELL, MY DADDY CALLED ME BILL OR GEORGE,
'CUZ EITHER ONE WAS BETTER THAN THE ONE HE WORE,
AND HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO LIVE A LIFE OF SHAME.
BUT, THEY CALLED ME THE KID WITH THE DAD NAMED SUE,
AND I'D GET SO MAD THAT MY FACE WOULD TURN BLUE,
'CUZ I LOVED MY DAD, EVEN THOUGH HE HAD THAT AWFUL NAME.

SOME PEOPLE THOUGHT THAT HE WAS QUITE A JOKE,
AND, HE GOT A LOT OF LAUGHS FROM A LOT OF FOLK,
SEEMED HE HAD TO FIGHT HIS WHOLE LIFE THROUGH.
SOME GAL WOULD GIGGLE AND HE'D GET RED,
THEN SOME GUY'D LAUGH AND HE'D BUST HIS HEAD.
I TELL YA, LIFE WASN'T EASY FOR MY DAD NAMED SUE.

IN SCHOOL I THOUGHT I WAS A PRETTY GOOD KID.
OF COURSE, I WOUND UP IN TROUBLE FOR SOME THINGS I DID,
LIKE DRILLING PEEP HOLES
THROUGH THE OLDER GIRL'S SHOWER ROOM STALLS.

THEN THERE WAS THE TIME I SNAPPED
THE CHEERLEADER'S BRASSIERRE,
AND SHE SPUN AROUND AND CALLED ME A QUEER,
THEN HER BOYFRIEND PUNCHED ME AND WE STARTED
THE CAFFETERIA BRAWL, AND THAT AIN'T ALL...

IN CCD, I COULDN'T MEMORIZE SONGS,
SO I MADE UP THE WORDS AS I WENT ALONG,
AND, I WASN'T MUCH BETTER AT REMEMBERING MY TABLE PRAYERS.
I'D SAY IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER, SON, AND HOLY GHOST,
OH WELL, WHOEVER EATS THE FASTEST IS GONNA GET THE MOST,
SO PASS ME SOME POTATOES,
'CUZ I THINK THEY'RE GETTING COLD OVER THERE.

I MET MY WIFE AT A BROADWAY BAR.
SHE HAD TATTOOED HIPS, STRETCH MARKS AND SCARS.
SO I WALKED RIGHT UP TO HER AND SAID,
"WELL HONEY, HOW DO YOU DO?"

I TOLD HER MY NAME WAS BILL OR GEORGE
'CUZ EITHER ONE WAS BETTER THAN THE ONE BEFORE,
AND SHE SAID,
"OH WELL, WHATEVER, HOW ARE YA? MY NAME IS SUE!
BUT MY FRIENDS CALL ME SUEY."

MY DADDY, WELL, HE LIKED HER RIGHT AWAY.
SO, I TOOK HER OUT AND MARRIED HER THE VERY NEXT DAY,
AND IN TEN YEARS, WELL, WE HAD 17 BOYS.

AND, WE STILL HAVE FUN EVERY NOW AND THEN,
AND MY WIFE JUST TOLD ME THAT SHE'S EXPECTING AGAIN,
AND THAT IF WE HAVE ANOTHER SON............SHE SAYS
SHE'S GOING TO NAME HIM SUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"NICOTINE WOMEN" is a Jimmy Buffet style ode to local bars from Kewaunee County (one county south of Door County) in Wisconsin. If you haven't been there, this song makes no sense to you other than the general story line of a guy hooked on the bar scene trying to change for his new appropriate girlfriend.

NICOTINE WOMEN (R. Rivers) (1999)

SIPPIN' CAF MOCHA ON THE BAYSIDE,
LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER.
TWO PUPPIES ARE ROLLING AROUND IN THE SAND.
LITTLE WAVES ARE SLIDING UP ACROSS THE LAND.
I'M TRYING DESPERATELY TO CHANGE MY EVIL WAYS
FOR MY NEW LADY. NOW I'M IN CAPPACINO HEAVEN
LOOKING DOWN ON NICOTINE WOMEN, ALCOHOL AND SONGS.

THIS DOUBLE A WORKBOOK IS HARD TO READ
ON THE BACK OF THIS WAGON.
AND THESE NICOTINE PATCHES ARE GETTING ME DOWN,
I STILL SNEAK ONE WHEN SHE ISN'T AROUND.
I GRAB MY GUITAR AND I GO DOWNTOWN,
FOR ONE MORE POKER RUN! YEAH!

I'M STARTING DOWN AT LIPSKY'S,
DRINKING WITH NICOTINE WOMEN,
AND SINGING ALCOHOLICS SONGS.
NOW I'M AT THE RUN,
SHOUTING AT SOME NICOTINE WOMEN,
'CUZ THE BAND PLAYS TOO LOUD!
AW, TAKE THE MUSTANG TO SHELLY'S,
WHILE THE RADIO IS ON.
NOW I'M OVER AT MOXIE'S,
KISSING ON SOME NICOTINE WOMEN,
WEARING LITTLE BITTY THONGS. YEA! YEA!
THROWING UP IN THE BUCKET,
I HAD TOO MUCH NICOTINE, WOMEN,
ALCOHOL AND SONGS.

"CAN'T EVEN STAND UP" is a reggae-country mix with a crazed story line about a guy so drunk he can't respond to the affections of his bar tramp predator. Tongue in cheek abounds on this laughable number.

CAN'T EVEN STAND UP (R. Rivers) (1998)

I CAN'T EVEN STAND UP
'CUZ MY BEER HAS PUT A SPELL ON ME.
I CAN'T EVEN STAND UP,
AND THIS GIRL IS LOOKING PRETTY GOOD TO ME.
BUT I CAN'T EVEN STAND UP,
LAWD SHE'S ASKING ME TO COME AND DANCE,
BUT I CAN'T EVEN STAND UP.
AW, I BET YA SHE'D BE A GOOD ROMANCE

SHE WALKS OVER TO MY BAR STOOL
AND PUTS HER TATTOOED ARMS AROUND ME.
SHE WHISPERS IN MY EAR WITH HOT WHISKEY BREATH
AND I NOD MY HEAD. SHE WANTS TO TAKE ME
HOME AND FIX ME UP WITH LEATHER KISSES.
I THINK THIS CANNONBALL WANTS TO TAKE ME HOME TO BED!
-CHORUS-
SO I OPEN UP MY MOUTH AND TRY TO TELL HER I'M HER LOVER.
BUT MY TONGUE IS STUCK ON THE ROOF,
YEAH AND I BET YA I'D A SAID IT COOL.
IF I COULD MOVE A MUSCLE,
I'D BE OVER THERE BESIDE HER.
OH I COULD BE BENDING OVER HER A SHOOTIN' POOL BUT-
-CHORUS-
SHE WALKS OVER TO MY BAR STOOL
AND PUTS HER TATTOOED ARMS AROUND ME.
SHE PICKES ME UP REAL ROUGH,
AND THEN SHE LOADS ME IN HER CHEV.
SHE'S DRIVING AWFUL CRAZY.
ORDINARILY I'D LIKE THAT,
BUT NOW THIS CANNONBALL HAS GOT ME IN HER BED! AND-
-CHORUS-

"MERRY XMAS BAYBAYA" winds up being that Xmas song you'll want to sing to your spouse EVERY Christmas Eve!

MERRY XMAS BAYBAYA (1982)
(Jaeger-Rivers)

MERRY XMAS BAYBAYA
MERRY XMAS TO YOU-A
MERRY XMAS BAYBAYA
GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU

I'LL BE COMIN' HOME
DOWN YOUR CHIMNEY
WHEN YOU'RE IN
BED AT NIGHT
I'LL BRING A PRESENT
HOME TO YOU
AND GIVE IT
TO YOU TONIGHT

MERRY XMAS BAYBAYA
MERRY XMAS TO YOU-A
MERRY XMAS BAYBAYA
GONNA GIVE IT TO YOU

I'LL BE COMIN' HOME
DOWN YOUR CHIMNEY
WHEN YOU'RE IN
BED AT NIGHT
I'LL BRING A PRESENT
HOME TO YOU
AND SLIP IT
TO YOU TONIGHT

A**HOLES (Rivers) (1982)

I TOOK MY DARLEAN ON A DATE LAST SUNDAY NIGHT
TO A GET TOGETHER WITH MY GOOD FRIENDS
I HAD TO TAKE HER HOME BY 8, CUZ WE HAD A FIGHT
AND NOW SHE NEVER WANTS TO SEE ME AGAIN
AND THEN SHE TOLD ME

"YOUR FRIENDS ARE A**HOLES, GO HAVE A BALL!
YOUR FRIENDS ARE A**HOLES, AND YOU'RE THE BIGGEST ONE OF ALL!"

WELL, I WENT BACK TO THE PARTY KINDA LATE, WITH MY SHIRT PULLED OUT,
AND THEY WONDERED WHAT KINDA WRECK I'D BEEN IN
THEY ASKED ME 'BOUT MY BIG FIRST DATE, "HOW'D IT ALL CUM OUT?"
AND I TOLD 'EM WIT A SILLY GRIN, I SAID,

"SHE WAS AN A**HOLE! WE HAD A BALL! SHE WAS AN A**HOLE,
THE BIGGEST ONE I EVER SAW! SHE TOLD ME........"
"ha ha haha ya gotta be sh***in' me! She said that?"
MY FRIENDS ARE A**HOLES, BUT WE HAVE A BALL
MY FRIENDS ARE A**HOLES AND I'M THE BIGGEST ONE OF ALL

"WITCH ON A BROOM" is not based on any true story, but what a story it would make! The bride to be takes a comment wrong from the best man and starts a rumble right to the reception!

WITCH ON A BROOM (R. Rivers) (1996)

I'M GONNA TELL YOU A STORY
'BOUT A FRIEND OF MINE.
HE'S MARRYING THE GIRL THAT'S CRAZY,
WITCHY, WITCHY ALL THE TIME.
ONE DAY I WAS JOKING,
I TOLD HER THAT SHE HAD A BIG ASS
(because she called my friend, "A big ass.")
I WENT TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM
IN A REAL BLAST. THEN I SAID,

"LOOK AT THE BRIDE AND THE GROOM!"
"SHE'S A WITCH ON A BROOM!
SHE'S WITCHY ALL THE TIME!"

NOW HE'S STANDING AT THE ALTAR,
SACRIFICING HIS LIFE.
I KNOW I'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN
WHEN HE MAKES HER HIS WIFE.
SO, I'M SITTING IN THE PEW,
FEELING LIKE I'M SWALLOWING TACKS.
WHEN THE REVEREND SAID, "SPEAK NOW..."
I SHOUTED FROM THE BACK, I SAID-
-CHORUS-
AT THE RECEPTION,
SHE DIDN'T EVEN LOOK AT ME TWICE.
HER FACE WAS CRACKING
WHEN SHE HAD TO BE NICE.
THAT NIGHT, THEY BOTH GOT DRUNK,
AND HE CALLED HER A BITCH.
THE DOCTOR TOLD HIM IT WAS
GONNA TAKE MORE THAN ONE STITCH.
OOOWWWW,
-CHORUS-

"WHEN MY BABY TURNS OUT THE LIGHT" is a construction worker's fantasy, and just a really good song.

WHEN MY BABY TURNS OUT THE LIGHT (1986)
(R. Rivers)

WELL, I WORK HARD IN THE DAYTIME.
I COME HOME LATE AT NIGHT.
THAT'S WHEN I'M GONNA GET A GOOD LOVING,
'CUZ MY BABY LOVES TO TREAT ME RIGHT.
SHE LOVES TO TREAT ME RIGHT.
I WORK HARD FOR A LIVING,
A DROP OF SWEAT FOR EVERY NICKEL AND DIME,
BUT I KNOW I'M GONNA GET A GOOD LOVING,
WHEN MY BABY TURNS OUT THE LIGHT

WHEN I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING,
SHE'S RIGHT THERE BY MY SIDE.
AND, WHEN I'M STANDING IN THE DOORWAY,
SHE GIVES ME A LITTLE KISS GOODBYE,
A LITTLE KISS GOODBYE.
WHEN I COME HOME IN THE EVENING,
I GOT A SMILE A MILE WIDE,
'CUZ I KNOW I'M GONNA GET A GOOD LOVING,
WHEN MY BABY TURNS OUT THE LIGHT.
-VERSE TWO-

"BIG BIG WOMAN" is about a guy who meets a skinny girl and wishes she were a big woman. Well, after they're married a while, his wish comes true! It sounds like Gene Simmons of Kiss on the chorus, but it's not. Really! Hilarious number!

BIG BIG WOMAN (R. Rivers) (1999)

I MET MY GIRL DOWNTOWN,
DANCING ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.
JUST A SKINNY LITTLE MISSY,
WEARING HER CLOTHES REAL TIGHT,
SHE LEANED OVER AND ASKED ME
WHAT KIND OF WOMAN I LIKED.
I SAID, "A BIG, BIG WOMAN.
A BIG, BIG WOMAN OF MIGHT.
I NEED A BIG, BIG WOMAN,
A BIG, BIG WOMAN TONIGHT, YEAH!"

WELL, IN A YEAR WE WERE MARRIED,
SPENT THE FIRST SIX MONTHS IN BED.
GOT TIRED OF LIVING ON LOVING,
AND STARTED EATING GOOD FOOD INSTEAD.
WELL, ONE MORNING I WOKE UP,
AND THERE LYING IN MY BED
WAS MY BIG, BIG WOMAN.
MY BIG, BIG WOMAN OF MIGHT.

BIG, BIG WOMAN
BIG, BIG WOMAN OF MIGHT
I LIKE MY BIG, BIG WOMAN
SHE'S ALRIGHT!
BIG, BIG WOMAN.......ETC.